A test I didn't want to fail

My CA 125 results came back today, as promised. The results are elevated. This is not good. This raises my level of concern. We were at orange. We're at Red.

This was a test I didn't want to fail. With all the symptoms and indicators I have right now, it was the last news I wanted. For the past week I've maintained a positive outlook. That's going to be my challenge now. It still could be a positive outcome, but I'm steeled now for other news.

So here's what happened: I called my doctor's office today, since they told me to call today to get the CA 125 results. I talked to the lovely nurse, who found the result, and immediately (but sweetly) put me on hold. The next voice I heard was that of my doctor.

I had an "oh shit" moment. You know exactly what I mean. (Those of you who know me know, there's only one thing worse than an Oh Shit moment. It's an Oh F*&K moment.)

She gently explained that it was elevated, and that combined with the cyst, the symptoms, my age, and the ultrasound, well, I just blurted out, "this can't be good."

In other words, it was my "oh F&%K" moment. Already.

She asked me if I was ok, and I said of course.

Now, instead of thinking it's nothing, I'm thinking, it's not much. That's all I can muster right now.

Your questions, answered:
1. Until she does the pathology on the ovaries (both are now coming out for sure) we won't know for sure about cancer. But she did say she would get both ovaries out in the surgery and make sure the pathology is back before I wake up.

2. She said for me to bring my meds, and my other preparations, in case I have to spend the night. She said she might have to "open me up." She said to be prepared. I will pack a bag full of drugs and gluten-free food. And a Coke Zero. Would it be inappropriate to bring margaritas?

3. We're still staying with the same date and time. Oct. 29. Randy, my Daddy and Mary, and most likely Amy will be at the hospital with me Monday morning.

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I am amazingly overwhelmed at the love and support of my friends, family and students -- even my friends who read this blog. I have a couple of examples that I want to share with you:

•Amy Burt, Jan Clark, Robin Harris, Elaine Whitaker and Scott Dillard -- you know, the girls -- had a party for me Sunday where each of them brough me inspirational thoughts and gifts to get me through this tough time. We laughed, and joked, and cried. So many things stand out and I have been reading and repeating their affirmations. But let me tell you about the frog. Amy Sue produced this blue and green spotted frog, and reminded me to Freely Rely on God. I named the frog FIERCELY because I'm FIERCELY relying on God. And Jannie, well, she brought me a bag a goodies, including a complete Halloween witch costume, plus a BROOM. And the board game Operation. I ALWAYS wanted my own Operation -- I guess my Mama knew I'd have real ones in the future....or would choke on the funny bone. This weekend, I plan to play operation and drink Green Apple Pucker to excess (if it's Gluten Free. Oh I hope so.)

But with verses from Psalms, and Isiah, and Psalms, and Jannie's imitation of Winston Churchill, I left there uplifted. Never, Never, Never give up.

•Jena Simonds sent me the most beautiful flowers and a card I will treasure forever. She also has volunteered to come up before and after to stay with me and help out, since I will be at home for about a week after the surgery itself.

•Mary Jane Pennington brought me a card with a Fairy Godmother in combat boots. She will grant wishes and kick the crap of anyone who gets in the way of my happiness. The boots are purple, too.

• My Belizian sister Angelita Ellis (more on her in a day or so) called me last week, and she writes me daily. She was headed to a special mass where they would pray for me. In Belize.

•My "sister" Susan, see Sunday, brought me a note from her parents, who reminded me I am their kid and they love me. And then Susan let me cry and say mean things about people and curse a lot. AND we went shoppping. While shopping, Susan took notes on Gluten Free cooking so she could bring my favorite thing, a squash casserole. I love a Goggins squash casserole.

•Tommie bought me my own back of Snickers in the office. Snickers are naturally Gluten Free. Ah hell, they're Snickers. So sweet!

•Jess has called me from UNC and written almost daily. She knows how to lift me up.

•My Joyous, Joy Ashley, has first started a blog because she liked mine :-), then she wrote about me. I cried like a baby. I love you my Joyous. http://joyous54.blogspot.com/

•Jessica, Dorita and Jodie have messaged me daily to remind me they love me. They CANNOT know how much that means to me.

•Shundra came in and cast Satan out of my office and said not to worry, I will be healed. You'd have to know Shundra to know how much that means to me. I love that crazy girl -- we've been through a lot.

•Randy put gas in my car. You have to understand -- we keep all our finances and stuff separate. I have never put gas in his car. He did it twice. I told him I hoped he wasn't planning to take me to Disney World. Poor love, I am more worried right now about him.

• Gretchen, I love you. You know why.

•Messages, emails, calls, cards, wall posts on facebook, wall posts here, hugs, from here and afar, from Wales, from all over. Bless you all for reaching out to me. Bless you all. LOVE you all.

So now, here is what I continue to need from you, if it's not too much to ask:
1. I need to know you continue to pray and think good positive thoughts for me, for my Randy, who is also upset, and for my Daddy and Mary, who are also worried. I know they would appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers.
2. Jeffrey does not know any of this and will not know until the last possible moment and when I know for sure what is going on. If you call me and I say I can't talk because I'm with Jeffrey, please understand that this is why.

Ummmm....Kate and Carrie, if you have any of those yummy GF cookies and pies left, can you send them to me? Just kidding. But i am starting to worry about the dining issues that are going to emerge the week after surgery when I'm alone with Randy. I will be cooking and baking up a storm this weekend and next.

It has come to my attention that some people think I'm a little selfish for sharing news about my medical condition on my blog, and with my students in classes. If you know me, you know I'm likely to tell you when I have a toenail problem. If you don't want to talk to me about it, I understand. But know that I've told people who matter to me. If I've told you, you're special.

Well, that's the update. Sorry I didn't include the recipe. More recipes in a couple of days.

Much love, Ging